HUMANS, LIFE, AND OTHER THINGS THAT DON’T WORK
1. If you turn instant crybaby or feel irritated, upset or angry when life doesn’t happen the way you want, you have a chronic and recurring case of Life Sucks.
2. You may think life’s purpose is to personally torment and torture you, but it isn’t. Its purpose is to torment and torture everyone, but not everyone boobs about it.
3. You were born into a family, religion, ethnic group, culture, society, government and nation. If you think that’s not diabolical, wait until you meet your in-laws.
4. How did you get here? Two people, you did not know had unprotected sex without your permission. “Happy Birthday!”
5. You’re body leaks. It’s mostly liquid and has more holes in it than a sponge. You’ll spend your whole life trying to keep it from squirting to death just so you can be pickled in time for your funeral.
6. Life does not exist to please you. If you think otherwise, you are a mental and emotional midget and should only have children in case of an emergency.
7. You may have inherited a body that’s healthy, athletic and shapely. Suing your parents won’t help. The good news is that if you do not compare yourself to anyone you’ll avoid being an asshole. If you refuse to do that, you’ll end up alone, but you can always get a dog, they like assholes, or you can marry a proctologist.
8. You only get one body. Consider taking care of it just in case your life depends on it.
9. You came with personality quirks, disposition, temperament, and attitude. You may not like what you came with. If no one likes what you came with they made a T-shirt for you: MEAN PEOPLE SUCK.
10. Expect the best, be at peace with the rest, or “rest in peace” is all the peace you’ll get.
11. Everyone wants to be happy except people who want to be miserable. Don’t bug miserable people. They’re already happy. If you try to help them they’ll make you as happy as they are. Miserable people think happiness is over-rated. How would they know?
12. You were born with three unique abilities, bad breath, B.O. and gas. They are your weapons. Learn to use them. They may be the only superpowers you ever have.
13. You came with a male or female body or a mustache in a mysterious place. If you like the sex you’re not, that’s how you roll. Others roll differently. Don’t be an ass about it.
INTERMISSION (one page introduction)
I. Living life in your mind will drive you nuts. You have to be out of your mind to enjoy all that is life. If you don’t understand what that means, keep reading. It won’t help, but it will give you ammunition to incite your co-workers hanging around the water cooler.
II. Life is life, the rest is perspective and attitude, and as if that’s not enough to drive you nuts, you may also have Crybaby Disease. THE SYMPTOM: You freak-out when life doesn’t happen your way. THE CURE: Accept that life will not always happen your way. HOW: Don’t kick a flat tire. Don’t give the flat tire your energy–no thoughts, no emotions. Don’t get irritated, upset or angry. Just fix the freaking tire instead of freaking-out and kicking the freaking tire. Kicking the tire only makes it mad. AND IF YOU KICK THE TIRE? You are entertainment and should get a job as a circus clown.
III. Whether you are miserable or happy, a crybaby or at peace, I don’t mind, however, if you are miserable and YOU MIND, some of these 200 thoughts won’t help.
IV. There is not even a microscopic doubt that your mind has been interpreting life through a circus mirror (beliefs, opinions, prejudices, judgments, and conclusions). And if you have beliefs (believe things that are not in your experience, that you have not experienced) there’s no doubt that your thoughts about life may be little more than clown thoughts.
V. If your mind turns sour-puss and pouts when you critique it; if your mind rants and raves and calls you names when you criticize its thinking and beliefs, and if your mind turns Jekyll and Hyde when you take a humorous poke at its irrational and diabolical plans to take over your world one brain cell at a time, then these thoughts will cause you to reflect on who is the boss–you or your mind? Maybe it’s your turn to escape the circus tent.
VI. When humans think, and use language to communicate and use words to analyze, dissect, interpret and draw conclusions about life, they create conundrums, contradictions, oxymorons, paradoxes, and pimples. No thoughts, equal, no conflicts, and no pain.
VII. Life is more joyful when you consciously experience life instead of mind-screwing it (smell the flowers, don’t psychoanalyze, dissect or eat the flowers).
VIII. Living your life in your mind (memories and imagination) is a poor substitute for actually living life. Try to live life consciously instead of thinking it or philosophizing it (philosophers do have their place–in padded cells with 24-hour security so they can’t screw with your mind).
IX. CAUTION: If your brain is made of air-pillows or bubble-wrap these thoughts won’t help you until after you’ve seen a clown doctor. Hopefully, it’s not a psychologist, psychiatrist, preacher or philosopher moonlighting as a clown.
X. Humans have more joy, peace and happiness if they control their thoughts and emotions. When I tell a human that (and they knowing it is true) they yet refuse to do it. What might be surmised: It’s too much work? They are comfortable with their misery (lazy)? They enjoy their misery (feel superior–concluding life is negative)? To change deep-grooved thought patterns takes time, takes work, takes consistency, and some humans just don’t want to do the work. It’s much easier for them to continue their miserable way of looking at life. Maybe it’s best to leave them in their misery, and spend your time with humans who actually have a brain and want to use it for something besides a doorstop or a complaint department. No need to waste your time on the Dumb and Dummer nuts of Life.
END OF INTERMISSION....continuation of book:
END OF INTERMISSION....continuation of book:
14. You can be and do and have anything you want. No one will try to stop you except your mind, its thoughts and beliefs, other humans and everything else, however, if you take charge of your mind, you win. Don’t be a loser–MASTER YOUR MIND.
15. If you do not watch and control your every thought, word and deed you’re like most humans. You’ll arrive at the end of your life and blame the wrong human. If you watch your thoughts you can work on your mind to not be nuts. If you refuse to work on it, you can always use your nuts-mind for squirrel bait.
16. When life kicks your butt instead of kissing it and you freak out and throw things, consider becoming the poster-child for “HUMANS ARE NUTS.”
17. If you spell the word “human” backward it spells, “humans are nuts.” If you spell it forward it spells, “You’re still nuts.”
18. YOU are the Genie in the lamp. You make the wish and fulfill it. Getting what you wish for isn’t magic unless you have a trust fund.
19. Knife and mind are tools. If a knife has a mind of its own and cuts without permission it’s dangerous. If a mind thinks without permission its owner is a fool.
DISSECTING CRYBABIES ONE BRAIN CELL AT A TIME
20. Humans are crybabies. Crybabies litter the landscape like soiled underwear and you can’t go anywhere without stepping in one, and since hunting them is illegal, they stalk us.
21. You might be a crybaby if you let your thoughts free-range and feed off your unbridled needs, wants and desires, and you will stay that way until you decide to bridle your self-centered, vain, prideful and egotistical appetites by controlling the thoughts that also make you an obnoxious jerk.
22. A crybaby requires a never-ending supply of pacifiers to be happy and if it doesn’t get them it will have a toxic emotional meltdown and poison everyone who couldn’t find the door fast enough.
23. There are humans who think everything is a crisis and complain, bellyache, whine and rage through life, and are, for all intents and purposes, professional crybabies who can’t seem to come to grips with the reality that life will not cater to their every fancied need, want and desire, when in fact, compared to many people, they have good lives, great lives, even awesome lives, better lives than the kings and queens of yesteryear and better lives than ninety-seven percent of people on the planet today. Don’t be a professional crybaby. Do it for free.
24. Wrinkles and dehydration are two symptoms of crybabies. The worst symptom is no blind dates. Crybabies can’t have blind dates because they have no friends that will pawn them off on people that their friends–that they don’t have–don’t like.
25. You will meet people who turn mean and ugly when they don’t get their way or get what they want. You will work with people who get irritated, upset, angry or violent when life doesn’t meet their expectations. You may even marry a person who turns sour and venomous when vexing things happen to him or her. And you may birth and raise little humans who are never satisfied, who cry, moan and complain and never grow-up. And if that’s you. Congratulations! You’ve developed a unique and cherished talent sought after by people who can’t wait to enjoy hell, and so, instead, live in it now, in their minds.
26. If you are not a crybaby you are worth a million Prozac. If you are one, take them.
27. You might be a crybaby if your attitude is graveyard depressed and you think life is a smelly dumpster in a greasy alley and you spew a funeral halo and have a decomposing aura. If that is you, then not only is it not fun being you, it’s not fun being near you or doing anything with you.
28. A crybaby is like a yo-yo. One moment it’s up, the next it’s down. A Yo-Yo hates experiences that do not fulfill its physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs, wants and desires, and it gets angry during experiences that do not validate its beliefs, values, opinions, conclusions, and expectations, which means planet earth is a Yo-Yo factory.
29. The most common nut (and the least palatable nut) in the nut bowl of life is the crybaby nut who complains to get what it wants and complains when it gets it. Complainers are the blackholes of joy.
30. If you are a crybaby and at the astronomical bad Las Vegas odds you want to stop moaning and groaning when not having sex, the military has a cure. They need targets.
31. If there were fewer crybabies trolling social events I might go again. When I used to go and they started complaining and whining I’d say, “Would you like some cheese with that whine?”
32. People who live with a crybaby have mastered the ability to walk on eggs, which is lucky for crybabies who would otherwise be instant omelets.
33. Being a crybaby is not as bad as being an emotional-drama-pimp. However, of all the energy-vampires, crybabies get more suck per mile than any other suckers.
34. Crybabies have firecrackers for brains and everyone they meet carries a lit match, and if you spark them, they will ignite and explode in a New York minute (about 3 seconds). When that happens I say, “Please excuse me if I don’t hang around for the fireworks. I have to go throw myself on a cactus.”
35. Most people would rather watch reruns of reruns of bad sequels than watch a crybaby take an emotional dump when it doesn’t get what it wants.
36. Homegrown crybabies are not as bad as birthed crybabies. Homegrown crybabies were programmed to fear life. They think life is trying to hurt them and kill them (which it is) thus they are jumpy, nervous, uptight, stressed-out, high-strung and extremely volatile and live on the edge of an always deteriorating cliff that people would push them off if they could get away with it.
37. Crybabies destroy families, friendships, and careers, and then, after destroying their lives, they join Crybaby Anonymous because only other crybabies will suffer their childish, juvenile and destructive behavior if they bring punch and cookies and leave early.
38. You can tell you’re in the presence of a crybaby when you hear its mantra, “Hey...I’m here. Let’s talk about me, about my life. I have needs, wants and desires that need your attention, and I didn’t come here to hear you babble about your inconsequential life.”
39. If you think people should love you and coddle you for your explosive mental and emotional pimple explosions, you’re not just a crybaby, you’re a looney-tunes character.
40. There are as many varieties of crybabies as there are broken pacifiers, broken homes and destroyed lives, though extreme crybabies don’t notice until they are dead in their grave wondering why still no one likes them and visits them.
41. Sneaky Crybabies are like Halloween tricker-treaters pretending to be who they are not. It isn’t until after they are in a relationship that they take off their masks and you discover you’ve been tricked and you’re the treat.
42. Whiny Crybabies spray and pollute a room worse than skunk-stink. Whiners dish out disharmony when they pout and mope and sulk. They lack appreciation and are so self-centered they think humans were invented to take them for a walk and pick up their poop.
43. Complaining, fault-finding, negative crybabies judge and condemn. They walk and talk unfiltered gloom and doom. If it’s your misfortune to run into one (and you will) hopefully its emotional support duck wasn’t hurt; you won’t be as lucky.
44. Mean-Spirited Crybabies are cruel and brutally shrewd. They build themselves up by mentally, emotionally and physically pulling and pushing and tearing you down. They are the dinky dicked bullies on the playground of life.
45. Con Artist Crybabies lack empathy and use their minds, emotions, and bodies to manipulate, trick, scam, bamboozle, deceive, lie and steal. They can’t understand why the people they’ve bamboozled don’t appreciate their free screwing.
46. The most common sound of the crybaby species in the wild is, “LIFE ISN’T FAIR!”
47. When a baby is born it gets spanked and cries. Adult crybabies never got over it. They just keep on crying and get louder and more obnoxious.
48. Crybabies tend to be illogical, unreasonable and disconnected from reality–those are their good points.
49. There are real crybabies and fake crybabies. Real crybabies come with bad-baggage. They arrive here–genetically sired–prideful, arrogant, self-important, overbearing, insulting, abusive, vain, conceited, in love with themselves too much, egotistical, begrudging, resentful, envious, jealous and greedy (if it wasn’t for all that they’d just be ordinary jerks). Fake crybabies bought into bad-baggage as a way to deal with life. They are narcissistic chamaeleon crybabies, also known as politicians.
50. The U.S.A. is the Crybaby Capital of the World. We all accept the reality that on our worst days we are all crybabies and yet most of us realize we have to try and deal with each other nicely, or use the only option that always works–murder, which historically is the only thing humans have perfected. However, you might prefer a smile, a laugh, and a mighty chuckle and admit that life is nuts, we’re all nuts and crybabies are Democrats (and Republicans) and on a crybaby’s worst day, the devil.
51. Why are humans, crybabies? Your parents began programming you with the sounds of snowflakes melting on an open fire. Immediately after your birth your parents reacted to your midnight mindless shrieking by asking (during the torturous experience) “Remind me why we had this kid?” and then they inadvertently continued to program you to be forever-after a crybaby by catering to reduce your every discomfort, and then, under penalty of law they were forced to endure and suffer you until their glorious release when you turned forty-five and moved out of your bedroom which they immediately turned into an indoor swimming pool filled with sharks.
52. When you were a baby you screamed when you got physically uncomfortable and someone cared for you so you’d be comfortable and shut-up. As a child, you cried when you got emotionally uncomfortable and someone indulged you so you’d be satisfied and shut-up. As a youth, you belly-ached when you got mentally uncomfortable and someone counseled you so you’d feel gratified and shut-up. As a teenager, you complained when you got spiritually uncomfortable and someone guided you so you’d feel at peace and shut-up. And now as an adult you cry, scream, belly-ache and complain when life doesn’t cater to your every need, want and desire and everyone wishes you’d shut-up.
53. Life doesn’t care if you cry, scream, belly-ache, complain or go nuts. Life is neutral; life is impersonal; life is unbiased and life doesn’t care what you think it IS, or what you think it should be. If you are still a programmed-crybaby it is because your conditioning, indoctrination and brainwashing from youth are working and it can be summed up in this: Most people will not depart from their childhood programming. Which means, if you do not remove your program of unrealistic and irrational expectations of what life should be and reprogram yourself to accept life for what it actually is, you will not only be miserable most of your life but you will exit life the way you entered, a crybaby (and even God is freaking out in case St. Peter messes up and lets you in).
A STEWING MIND WILL BOIL OVER AND LEAK ON YOUR FACE
54. It’s all in your mind this game of life; it’s all in your head, the worry and strife. That which is real and that which is true is just a potpourri of your mental-stew. It’s all in your mind, deep in your head, the living and dying the pain and the dread. You think it; you are it, that’s what you be; creatively thinking reality. Consciousness playing with dark and with light, that’s what you are and that is your life.
55. Life is going to screw you. It’s going to screw you every chance it gets. Imagine being happy and at peace and enjoying life even when it doesn’t happen your way. Imagine that your life is going the opposite of what you want and you are enjoying it (and if you do that, you have a really weird imagination). But...seriously...there are people like that. Six, at last count (don’t screw with my statistics).
56. You don’t want to be a crybaby. You want to be at peace and happy all the time, but you’re not. What’s the problem? You are the problem. Why? Because you have not taken control of your mind, thoughts, emotions, body, and life-energy. Why not? Either you didn’t know you could or you do know, but you won’t, and if you won’t, you are why 12 out of 10 people say 150% of humans are nuts.
57. On rare occasions when humans think rationally, logically and clearly they are pleasant, but when their thinking turns unpleasant they go nuts and become emotionally toxic and kill their neighbors, and think, “Problem solved. What’s for lunch?”
58. Statistically, 97% of humans have beliefs but are too busy to examine them; 35% are afraid to examine them; 26% don’t care if their beliefs are true or not; 99% think they know the truth and the 1% who have actually experienced and know the truth and tell others are hunted down and killed by the 257% who think life isn’t funny.
59. If you should accidentally give a thought to how your life is going–and why--you will realize that you’ve been mind-screwed from the moment you got squirted out of your human evacuation pod. The culprits are your parents and potato chip commercials.
60. Since what you think determines much of what your life will be like, try not to give it much thought. It’s not important. Ignore the counsel that “As a man thinketh so is he.” Never try to control your mind’s thoughts (nor your emotions from which they spring). Be like most humans who never give a thought to controlling their thoughts–just let the media, government, religions, and schools do it. What could go wrong?
61. If you are only happy when life goes your way and you want to make others happy don’t visit them when it doesn’t. If you’re not at peace with what you have, you won’t be at peace with what you get.
62. Serious people are a serious threat to human happiness. They hate happy and content people. Why? Because they think things are important. Mostly they think they are important. They think everything is serious and important. Stay away from seriously serious people. They would be better off in the only sane place on earth, an insane asylum where at least everyone knows they are seriously nuts.
63. You have the power and ability to control your mind, emotions, body, and energy (It’s not taught in schools. Even your parents may not know....I mean....just look at you).
64. Your first breath was a battle-cry, and your last breath will be a sigh, and in-between is mystery, wonder and magic as you spin life’s realities into your own. So mount up, rise to the challenge, engage the adventure for all you are worth, for in old-age and with fond reflection you will realize it was the struggle, the fight and the battle that made life worth living. Yet how serene and peaceful you will be if you engaged the wrath of life with a cheerful heart and vanquished your foes with a smile, a chuckle and a mighty laugh because you now know, life’s insanity was but your own.
65. Life is life, the rest is attitude, and if you take life personally or make it personal you’ve traded the reality that is for the reality you created in your mind which makes you the author of your misery. The good news is, your misery ends three days before your funeral.
66. Life is half pain and half pleasure. If you can’t enjoy the pain, half your life will be sorrow. When things happen that you don’t like, say to yourself, “It is what it is,” (and don’t add crybaby commentary like, “Boohoo...WaaWaa...I’m screwed...poor me, life sucks”). Accept what is. Accept life for what it is; deal with it; get over it and move on and continue to live your life. No one likes crybabies except Kleenex stockholders. Try to screw them.
67. Did your thoughts not help to make the person that is you? Of the thoughts you could have thought who else but you did choose? Like a seed your every thought produces fruit in kind. Either you are victim of or master of your mind.
68. To earth your bound, your journey to commence. Take with you this dictum sound into a world of recompense: How you view the world, is your world. And on a side note, why do humans need to know where they came from, why they are here and where they are going? It’s a fool's quest. If you don’t know, you don’t know (and belief doesn’t know either). The stork did it and the sickle dude is going to undo it. There! Now you know, and during a “What’s life all about?” mental crisis, any story you believe that brings you comfort (whether religious or secular fiction) serves its purpose. However, if you can handle the reality that is life without fictionalizing it, you’ll be able to enjoy all that is life, which really pisses off the humans who need bedtime stories.
69. Earth is a death world. Death fuels life. You can’t eat if you don’t kill. If your diet (it’s called die-it for a reason) includes animals you can get someone to kill them for you. If you’ve got money, human animals will pluck the gizzards out of murdered chickens and you can just buy your chicken corpses at a grocery store. If you eat fruits and vegetable you can get someone to rip and tear them out of the ground for you so you can skin, dice, slice and broil and boil them alive. Yes, the living kills the living and eat them, and from the rotting leftovers grows new life. Mother-earth kills her offspring. It’s just Mother Nature’s way. She will kill you with heat, cold, wind, fire, famine, drought, earthquakes, tsunami, volcanoes, tornadoes and hurricanes or with her ravenous tear you apart and spit out your bones animal kingdom, or she’ll bug you to death one bite at a time or she will eat you alive with her micro-organisms that love to feed at the human-body buffet until you’re bare bones. Mommy is a mass-serial-killer and she eats her babies. Life is a picnic and you are the main course and your children are dessert. Welcome to your warm and fuzzy mother-earth home (no wonder humans are nuts. It’s because our “mother” is nuts and the nuts don’t roll far from the family nut tree).
70. Nothing in life is negative or positive unless you think so, and then it is so....for you. You cannot think something is positive without thinking the opposite is negative. There are no one-sided coins. You cannot have up without down. Thinking positive or negative divides reality into something it isn’t. Reality is what it is (well it was until humans invaded and decided that negative is stuff they don’t like, and positive is stuff they do like, and if it moves, kill it and let the flying spaghetti monster sort it out).
71. If you draw conclusions, have opinions and judge life you will learn that you are not as smart as you think you are. Why? because you keep changing your opinions, conclusions and judgements about life, which means, your previous thoughts have become clown thoughts, and your future thoughts that you're so sure about today...just you playing the clown. Keep an open mind; be less sure, and maybe people will laugh at you less (though you are hilarious entertainment, especially your beliefs).
72. LIFE: Life is a bunch of projects, things to do until dead, an endless potpourri of hustle and hurry, a do this, no, do that, instead. I hardly and barely fathom the meaning of this life. It’s an endless array of prodigious forays, a nettling vexation of strife. And when a long day is over, after all of my pain, I go to bed tired, have lost all my fire then wake up and do it again. I want breakfast, lunch and dinner, and something between to do, then my life is fulfilled and I’ll be chubby and still in a plot just over from you.
73. Life was what it was; life is what it is; life will be what it will be. There is no value in regretting what was, getting mad about what is, or being anxious, worried or afraid about what isn’t, which includes the future. Regret, anxiety, worry, and fear are debilitating mental energies that vex the mind and make living a plague and kills joy, peace, happiness and your last bottle of Vodka trying to get happy, which means everyone’s screwed when you get back to your sober miserable self.
74. Stress has a price. Stress exacts physical, mental and emotional penalties. You pay for stress. It’s not free. There are consequences. How do you stop stressing? Stop expecting life to be different than it is since you can’t change what is because the moment it is, it’s the past and you can’t change the past unless you're a Hollywood actor in a science fiction movie. Try not to be surreal.
75. If your quest for life is not joy, peace, happiness and pleasure then perhaps it’s sorrow, fear, sadness and pain. Since very few people are on a quest for pain, how come so many people experience it? If you experience pain you are not in charge of your mind and emotions. A person WHO IS IN CHARGE OF HIS MIND AND EMOTIONS EXPERIENCES NO PAIN (or it was the drugs).
76. Opportunity to learn and expand, to test oneself, adventure-into-the-unknown, mystery, suspense, excitement, chance, fortune, luck, gamble, challenge, risk, hazard and danger, are the spices-of-life that make life worth living, and in the end, you’re gonna die anyway, so go for it, give it all you’ve got, or do the next best thing, die a couch-potato.
77. What is YOUR purpose in life? Choose one, and that’s your purpose.
78. What is THE purpose of life? There are over a thousand philosophical, metaphysical, New Age and theological beliefs each claiming to be the one and only true circus. You can wear any clown outfit you like.
79. Liberation is the ultimate goal in life. You are liberated when you are at peace no matter what happens; you are liberated when life does not have to happen your way; you are liberated when you have no expectations that must be met, when nothing bothers you; you are liberated when you are at peace whether you eat or not; healthy or not, live or not. You are liberated when you need nothing (needing pizza doesn’t count).
80. There’s nothing wrong with getting irritated, upset, angry, violent or throwing a raging hissy-fit that a good heart-attack or human-attack can’t cure in a micro-second. And remember, if you hang around angry people you are nuts, and if you are angry “people” you are the plague everyone needs to avoid like the plague.
81. Worry, fret, and stress are signs you are a self-abusing control freak whose imagined fears could trigger the bullet you are trying to dodge. Either chill or become the flash.
82. If you order a Smoothie Chocolate Carmel Double Foam Shaved Iced Latte and get a Triple Onion Garlic Espresso instead, and you go insultingly ballistic you obviously don’t like espressos. But the best part for your audience is, you’ve just exhibited and paraded your uncontrolled mind and emotions for everyone to see and laugh at (entertainment like that is priceless and tastes better than a twenty-three dollar Latte).
83. Life will mess with your expectations. It may deny you your needs, wants and cherished desires. If you set your heart unequivocally on the outcome of your expectations life will break your heart. Don’t do it. Have expectations but be at peace with the outcome (outcome is like having a baby. You don’t know what you’re gonna get, but you change it’s diaper anyway).
84. If you were dead, would people’s lives be more joyful? Do family and friends run when they see you coming? When you enter a room does everyone have to go to the bathroom and never returns? If so, you have either become an unthankful, ungrateful, never satisfied sourpuss, complaining needy crybaby or a backstabbing, prideful, vain, self-aggrandizing selfish narcissistic ego-maniac who thinks life is about me, me, me. If people run when they see you coming, it’s not a marathon, but you’re still not invited.
85. You may think your thoughts stay in your head, but they don’t. Thoughts vibrate in you and around you and go out from you and they affect everything near you, especially your face (have you looked in the mirror lately). Thoughts are like a tuning fork. The best tunes are the ones that build instead of destroy; lift instead of cast down, encourage instead of depress. Thoughts fuel and ignite feelings and emotions. Try not to blow yourself up.
86. I had my heart set on it. My mind said this way must be. Then faster than an eagle life took it away from me. I learned from my experiences, gained understanding to know, life will break the strongest heart of a mind that is set in stone. I now put my heart into it, but on it, my heart’s not set, and my mind like the eagle soars free and without regret.
87. If you accept life for what it is and don’t complain about what it isn’t, people will think you’re not human. It may be the best compliment you’ll ever get.
88. Thinking makes real and thinking makes you, you think it, you feel it, then you do. You take what is and give it a name; you judge what is with a biased brain. It’s virtuous or vile; it’s good or it’s bad, perhaps your beliefs are driving you mad. Your angst, your fear, your pain and dread, surely you know it’s all in your head. Life is just life unless you believe, it is what it ain’t and then you’re deceived. The pain you inflict by judging another is why you’re unloved except by your mother.
89. No one arrives at a destination on a road he did not travel. Where you are today, you traveled the road that took you there. Rich or poor, powerful or powerless, famous or infamous, educated or ignorant, at peace with life or at war, your thoughts were the roadmap that took you there. In the past, you may not have been aware of your destination, but today, you watch the signs–your thoughts–faithfully, as if your happiness depended upon it, which it does. There is no doubt that your thoughts took you to where you are today, and they will take you to where you will be tomorrow. Be the watcher of your thoughts. Be the guardian at the gate of your mind (or take directions from your wife who actually knows how to get there).
90. Humans relationships are simply complex. You get what you give, no more and no less. Do unto others as you want done to you is a practical rule that most often proves true. If you’re selfish and mean, a creep in disguise, may the pain that you suffer open your eyes. If you’re kind and loving, a saint in the flesh, the joy that you give is the joy that you get.
91. Humans take great pride in their accomplishments, but in truth, you did not design yourself. You were born with physical, mental, emotional and character attributes–you arrived programed. You did not give yourself your stature, looks, sex, health, intelligence, personality, emotions, attitude, determination, tenacity, willpower, talents, strengths, and weaknesses. And now, if by chance, you are a strutting cocky peacock about your awesomeness (while putting-down others) you’re definitely a self-centered moron. In addition, you also did not determine your birth circumstances, not the time, the place, the family, the religion, the culture and the society you were nurtured and raised within, so.... again, in truth, your pride is misplaced, your vanity is a mental illness and your egotistical moronic chest thumping is a special kind of stupid.
92. Depending on how nuts your family was, the odds are, you’re just as nuts. Whatever nutty values your family valued were your values when you were too young to beat them up, and those values are difficult to throw in the dumpster and forget. They are the ghosts of family-past that will haunt you forever throughout all eternity plus two weeks. Your family didn’t mean to do it. They too had their brains washed in a septic tank of delusion. Welcome to the cesspool. If you’re sick of swimming in it, you now know how to get out. An unexamined life sucks.
93. Is it fun being you? Is it fun being with you? It is if you have a sunny disposition. It isn’t fun being you or being with you if you have dark cloud disposition or if you have any other disease or plague or are a joy destroying pestilence.
94. If you were for sale would anyone buy you? How much would you pay for you?
95. If the people who know you could sell you, how much would they ask? (He pouts; she sulks; he mopes and she boobs and then he gets irritated, upset, angry or violent when things don’t go her or his way. He is mean, prideful, egotistical, self-centered, vain, selfish, greedy, demanding, miserable, uncaring, unappreciative, arrogant, unthankful, quarrelsome, depressed, a complainer, seldom satisfied, difficult to please, stressed, needy and a can’t be trusted backstabbing whiny uptight bundle of fun to be around when asleep, in a coma or dead. FOR SALE: “I’ll give you a hundred bucks to haul it off.”
96. If the people who know you could sell you, how much would they ask? (He smiles; she laughs; he grins and she jokes and he never gets irritated, upset, angry or violent when things don’t go her or his way. He is kind, caring, helpful, cheerful, generous, charitable, at peace, enthusiastic, upbeat, positive, pleasant, fun to be around, easygoing, undemanding, congenial, thankful, appreciative and lives on the bright-side of life (most crybabies want to kill people like that). FOR SALE: “Priceless. Not for sale.”
97. The earth will never satisfy your every desire; never fulfill your every want; never meet your every need; never grant your every wish; never match your every expectation; never agree with your every thought; never submit to your every opinion and never bow to your every judgement, but it will take you unawares, attack you and spit you out on the razor edge of your fears. Though people may plan, work and accomplish many wonderful things, earth’s nature and the nature of some people always try to destroy what others have created. The earth is a beautiful and a marvelous resource and people are often noble and self-sacrificing, yet in an instant, the earth can turn violent and take back its resources and men can turn vicious and descend into greed. Thus by nature’s storms and the selfish nature in some men, the world is bathed in blood and tears.
98. Earth life is a struggle for survival in a world where nothing comes easy and all things have a price. Between birth and death, you experience disease, accidents, violence, and loss. Your actions and the actions of others create conundrums that complicate your days and vex your nights. From rising to setting sun each day is commotion, turmoil, and uncertainty. You hope, desire and plan, but in a sudden turn of events your hopes may be crushed, your desires may go unfulfilled and your plans may be ruined. As your world disintegrates around you, you realize that many things in life are beyond your control. If the truth were known, you spend many of your days in sorrow even as you hope your future will be endless joy. Yet as time passes you learn that life is a seething cauldron of perplexities, an overflowing crucible of endless troubles and that change is the only constant.
99. Humans scheme, deceive, cheat, lie, steal, burglarize, rob, abuse, assault, fight, enslave, imprison, torture, rape, kill, murder and make love to assure there will be enough new people to continue the carnage (just thought you’d like to know that about this reality).
100. From the moment you are born the world challenges you to a physical, mental and emotional war. The question is, are you going to take up the challenge or be a crybaby all your life? Life is not what you think it is unless you think it is what it is.
101. Life is pain. Stuff happens. People do things. Get used to it. Better still, appreciate it. See the value. See the benefit. If you won’t do that, at least look at life as an adventure and rise to the challenge, or you can look at life like it’s a sour, rotten, smelly, putrid shit trip only to be outdone by your sour, rotten, smelly, putrid shitty disposition.
102. Every experience you have only has the energy you bring to it and put into it, and when you have experiences you dislike or hate, your attitude determines what else you create.
A EGO-OGRE-VAMPIRE MIND IS MEAN AND SUCKETH
103. If you think your “normal” ego is trouble, wait until you meet your Ogre. He’s in there. He’s bad. And he eats his prisoners. Don’t wake him. DON’T BE AN OGRE. An Ogre is a human ego gone mad. The human ego can turn Ogre faster than a sugar Twinkie high.
104. In mythology, ogres are disgusting, cruel and monstrous fiends. In real life, an ego turned ogre, exploits and brutalizes its victims. Ogres are slaves to their needs, wants and desires. They are seldom satisfied. They are seldom at peace, are implacable, always on the hunt, merciless and bloody. They get easily offended, irritated, upset, angry and violent when they don’t get their way or don’t get what they want. Sounds human, doesn’t it? It sounds human because it is human. Man’s base nature is a crabby self-destructive ogre. It is the ego that gets programmed, conditioned, indoctrinated and brain-washed from youth, and it can turn ogre faster than a bull seeing red. An ogre is the enemy of your peace. An ogre is the one that commits suicide. An ogre wages war because it is at war with itself. An ogre is an empty container, an empty vessel that needs to be filled constantly, usually at the expense of someone else. An ogre can never fill its own emptiness. An ogre is egotistical and has a puffed-up opinion of himself. An ogre’s thoughts are selfishly-self-centered. Its thoughts are based in pride, vanity and greed. Ogres are egos gone mad. To some degree, they are the insanity that is in all men but only in two women at last count (the poll was conducted by women).
105. Your battle for sanity is between you and your ogre. An ogre changes by suffering the consequences of its thoughts and actions. It learns to think better thoughts and thereby gets happier results.
106. If you are not happy with much of your life or life in general, it’s very likely your ego-ogre-mind “hates” you, which is self-evident if your mind feeds you thoughts that are the enemy of your joy, peace, and happiness.
107. You are NOT your mind. Your mind is NOT you. Your mind IS a tool. DON’T BE ITS FOOL.
108. The demanding voice in your head is coming from your untrained mind (whether it’s its own thoughts or thoughts it picked up or thoughts projected to it). Your mind is a “separate entity” living inside you, and, the real you has to deal with it. Your mind was given a name at birth. It is the name you answer to, but the mind is NOT the real you. Your mind only knows what it has learned, its program, and it’s all memory. Your mind’s job is to follow its program. Your mind is only at peace and happy when working to achieve its programmed objectives and goals. Your mind has an appetite. Your mind seeks to please itself. Your mind always wants more. Your mind loves to rule you. Your mind is demanding. Your mind uses you to satisfy ITSELF. Your mind does not like you when you go against its wishes. Your mind is like an unruly child. Your mind wants what it wants and it will make you miserable if it doesn’t get what it wants NOW! Your mind gets irritated, upset, angry and violent when you challenge or oppose it. Your mind only cares about you as long as you are its faithful servant. Your mind is egotistical, self-centered, selfish, vain, prideful and arrogant. Your mind is sneaky, conniving, scheming, a con artist, deceptive and a liar. Your mind has a temper and it throws fits and makes scenes to get its way. Your mind broods, frets, worries, gets concerned, anxious, apprehensive, nervous, afraid and has regrets. Your mind sulks, pouts, mopes, stews, brews, whimpers, weeps, cries, balls, howls, shouts, yells, screams, and shrieks. Your mind is THE CRYBABY and if you have NOT trained it YOU are most certainly its lackey, junkie and goffer. HOWEVER, if you have trained your mind, it is YOUR SERVANT AND BEST FRIEND (well...until it gets Alzheimer and Dementia and then you and your mind are both screwed).
109. If you want to get even with or torment your vampire-ego-ogre-mind or if you want to discover its true nature deny it a cherished need, want or desire. Try not eating for ten days. It will rise to the challenge. At first, it will dismiss your idea, hoping you’re not serious. If it thinks you are serious, it will denounce your efforts and point out all the reasons why it’s a bad idea. If you persist, it will plead with you, and if that doesn’t work, it will call you names not even heard at a sailor’s convention. If you still persist, it will get serious, and that’s when all hell breaks loose and you’ll discover what a delightful devil it can be and just exactly who's going to be boss. It’s an exciting ride on the wild side. Give it a shot. “Lock & Load!” You’ll win if you don’t give up.
110. Beware of the vampire-ego-ogre mind and its many voices. Especially the voice that tells you it’s OK to go on a beer diet as long as you drink and smoke while practicing road-rage.
111. You are free to choose your thoughts, but never are you free to choose the consequences. The law of thought is an immutable and unchangeable law: thoughts create in kind.
112. Beliefs create virtual reality experiences that humans think are serious and real, when in fact, life itself is a virtual and unserious reality (except in the minds of serious people) which is, of course, very cool, because without beliefs and without believing and without taking this virtual reality seriously, we wouldn’t have the awesome adventure that is life. We could have just stayed in our other virtual reality home and bed. Thank the virtual God that virtual people take this virtual life seriously, for without them we would have less to laugh about. However, if seriously serious people would take life and their experiences a little less seriously they would seriously enjoy life more, and they would not be so seriously nuts.
113. Your vampire mind sucks. It will bleed you dry and leave you at a buzzard picnic. An energy-vampire-mind will kill you and never complain about its own suicide. A vampire mind is an untrained mind that lives in the darkness of its unrestrained desires, and, it loves to bite the hands that feeds it–your hand–and drain your life force.
114. Your untrained mind is your master and you are its slave. Humans hate to submit to a dictator or slave-master or an insane boss, but, for some insane reason (only understood by a drunk circus clown) if it is your mind who is your boss and orders you around, you submit like a paid flunky. You jump to obey its demands, thrilled just to satisfy its every need, want and desire as if you are its Three Wish Genie. An uncontrolled mind is a vampire-mind sucking your peace and happiness by treating you as its, stooge, toy, janitor and all-around loser, and if you let it treat you like that your life will absolutely be worse than living with your dead composting mother-in-law.
115. Don’t let your mind play you like a ping-pong ball. Take charge. Be the paddle.
116. Everything was going fine. Life was good for Jack, and then in an instant his world crashed, burned, exploded and disappeared in a vapor of black smoke because he went berserk. Days later when he thought about what he had done, Jack realized that it wasn’t by chance. He had reacted without thinking. He knew that his response was the fruit of the thoughts he had been thinking most of his life (there are no details in this story because the details vary from person to person, but the results are the same, lives turned upside down or destroyed). This could happen to you....may have already happened to you. Raging or going berserk never resolves problems in your favor. Whether it’s a minor situation or a monster event, your reaction to them may determine whether you get what you want or get what someone else thinks you deserve. Don’t do the berserk thing.
117. Little things bug little people. Most people handle big natural disasters quite well, on-the-other-hand, little things, daily little things, like relationships, challenge most people to their limits. And what hurts a relationship most is what people say or don’t say and how they react and respond to each other. Letting your mind lose its peace, its cool; get its panties in a bind, get it feathers ruffled; stress out; go ballistic and flip-out creates deadly blowback that results in broken hearts, mental, emotional and physical problems and destroys lives more than any disasters except marriage (just kidding dear...here, smell these flowers).
118. If there was a way to be in charge of your life without being in charge of your mind and thoughts the government would have discovered it by now and taxed it or outlawed it.
119. To be the master of your thoughts and create the life you want you must be the guardian at the gate of your mind. You must monitor your thoughts each moment you are awake and replace debilitating, destructive, judgmental and pessimistic thoughts with enabling, constructive, loving and optimistic thoughts until they close the casket on your avatar.
120. There are many things in life you cannot control. Your thoughts are not one of them.
121. Until you stop crying about what your life isn’t and starting enjoying what your life is you will be miserable every time life doesn’t go your way.
122. There are thoughts worth thinking and thoughts worth dumping. Most humans need a really big dumpster to dump their really big dumb thoughts.
123. It’s not the thoughts that run through your mind that create problems. It’s the thoughts you empower by entertaining, playing and toying with that cause your problems.
124. By now you should understand the thought in the introduction, “smell the flowers instead of dissecting them.” That means, live life without thoughts, without ANY thoughts about life whatsoever, and then and only then, will you be able to enjoy all that is life ( I’m talking about judgement, opinions, conclusions and beliefs when not needed, and I am not talking about NOT THINKING when thinking IS needed, like when deciding to no longer live with a wackadoodle pain in the ass crazy person by planning your escape from hell).
125. Some people challenge themselves with formal education, business, politics, sports or conquering a neighborhood or country, but there is no greater challenge than to conquer yourself, conquer your mind, and there are no greater rewards or benefits.
126. If your thoughts are not the master of your fate, and you the master of your thoughts, who or what is (your spouse, children, the government, advertisers, and car commercials)?
127. When people tell you they have problems, they are not talking about the real world (though that’s what they think). What they are talking about is their inner-world of thoughts. With their thoughts they have labeled what is going on in the real world as difficulties, hardships, and problems, and, having so labeled them with their thinking, it’s the truth, for them, and for them only. Whatever label you give to your experiences is your reality (this truth is evident when two people have the same experience but place different labels on them. One person calls his experiences adventures and opportunities and enjoys them while another person labels his experiences as troubles and problems and is miserable. When you stop looking at your experiences and circumstances as problems and view them as adventures, your life will change, “...and they lived happily ever after”).
128. A plane carrying two guys crashes on a snow-topped hill. To their surprise, they are alive ‘cause neither got too killed. One takes a broken wing and skis a most awesome drift. Two gets mad, not at all glad, enraged he falls off a cliff (perspective is everything).
129. Brother and sister going to visit their dying pop. Their car breaks down, makes a loud sound, comes to a grumbling stop. The car gets fixed and purring, but at hospital too late. Sister depressed, failed-heart is the guess, exits to the pearly gates (stress kills).
130. I relive my nightmares and regret my every fling. Dumb thing to do, just makes me blue, ‘cause it don’t change a thing. Yes, life is a potpourri, mixture of pleasure and pain. Pity and regret double the stress, cause mind and body to strain (thoughts affect health).
131. I once had a lot of friends, family that loved me too. But I complain about my pain, they avoid me ’cause I do. I get upset and angry and irritable as well. Argue a lot, fight on the spot, my life is a living hell (thoughts and their results affect relationships).
132. I used to be good looking, but I prematurely aged. These old age spots are awful thoughts, I think I am their slave. And now a final thought before I go away: life is real grand or a migraine head-slam, depending on what my thoughts say (perspective and attitude are everything).
COMPLAINING IS THE PATHWAY TO HAPPY HELL
133. The only benefit complaining has is to reduce your life to the level of misery only experienced by people in bouncy rubber rooms. Complaining is a disease and the only known cure is a spanking which some people enjoy, so now what?
134. If you complain you are insane. Complaining doesn’t make sense. It’s illogical, irrational, unreasonable and a waste of time because it doesn’t accomplish anything except to raise your blood pressure and kill you, which is only beneficial for people who don’t like you. Stop helping them. Complaining has physical, mental, emotional and spiritual benefits people are still hunting for. Complaining fouls the air around you and is unpalatable. Complainers have lots of friends who never visit them. Complaining and misery live in the same house, and it’s a hell house– living death. A lot of people enjoy complaining. It’s free entertainment and worth every penny.
135. Gripping, bellyaching, squawking and bitching about something that happened in the past (you were born) is happening (you’re slowly molding) or will definitely happen (your eyeballs will grow hair) is loony, loopy and nuts. What value does it have? And if you complain about what might happen, you are certifiably nuts but can become a youtube sensation.
136. Instead of complaining, accept your reality in the moment: If you’re sick, you’re sick. If you lost your job, you lost your job. If you can’t pay your bills, you can’t pay your bills, and if you’re balding, get a toupee. Learn from your experiences and work to have better experiences but quit boobing about it. Only babies like boobs (OK...that may not be true).
137. When you stop whimpering, sniveling and blubbering, people will like you again. Your family will enjoy being around you again. You will glow bright and be energized and your health will improve and you may even look like Phyllis Diller (look it up).
138. If you refuse to accept life for what it is and instead complain about what it isn’t, your reward is pain. Stop expecting life to be what it isn’t. If you don’t stop, life will kick your butt over and over and over again until it finally kicks your butt into a premature grave that even the worms won’t eat because you're pure poison.
139. It is NOT complaining when you point out problems that need solutions or give constructive criticism–however, it is complaining if you do it to demean, debase or ridicule people. Don’t complain. It stinks worse than your best gas.
DON’T BE A PRICK KICKER
140. If you are suffering it’s because your thoughts are at odds with what is happening. Do you really enjoy rolling snake-eyes in the mental crap game of life? If so, “LOSER!”
141. If you fight life and the world and kick against the pricks, you will get hurt, lose, and pay a price. The price is your joy, peace, and happiness. The price is your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. Don’t be a prick kicker.
142. What you think is true, has great power over you, and belief as well can make your life a living hell, or heaven on earth, depending upon your mirth. Your thoughts and beliefs feed your joy or your grief.
143. If I am blue, boohoo or sad and can’t seem to find my glad, I name again my blessings sure and then I am woeful no more. It’s my thought, not my circumstance that causes me to slouch or dance. I am aware, compare my place in the life of the human race, and realize I could be off worse if I were mulching in a hearse.
144. As simple as it sounds, the cause of your unhappiness is also the cure. Thoughts are the cause and thoughts are the cure. Thoughts cause misery or happiness.
145. You can cure your unhappy mind. You can take charge. You can be the boss. All you need to do is cut off its nuts, which means YOU quit being the nut that feeds it and submits to its thoughts. Quit playing victim to your mind’s nutty agenda that makes you so happy being miserable. You decide what thoughts to play with.
146. Don’t think thoughts that get you upset or make you angry.
147. However, if your misery makes you happy there’s nothing wrong with you, so you’re good to go. If complaining is your joy, go for it. If discord and strife is your peace, strive on. If you think life should be a miserable experience, be its guest (and may your consequences rest easy on you in the nut orchard).
148. What I thought is what I got and what I got I thought. Wise am I if I don’t blame an outside cause that’s not.
149. If I have thoughts I do not like I tell them to take a hike. I think thoughts that inspire, avoid the ones that stir my fire. Mean thoughts create mean words, better that they’re never heard. Some thoughts might make me mad; I don’t think them, keeps me glad. I think thoughts that make me smile, keep them in my mental file. If kind and loving thoughts I do, I’m always happy, never blue. I live life the way I think, in peaceful joyful wonderment.
150. Your mind can only entertain one thought at a time. So the key to your peace (when something happens that frustrates you) is to replace a “Life sucks!” thought with, “Yeah, I know, my leg fell off; so does this peg-leg make me look fat?” Of course, you don’t have to be at peace with your new one-legged reality. Instead, you can turn your life into a complaining, sulking, depressing whinefest, and if you get good at it you can make everyone around you happy too when you leave.
151. Every time your mind thinks a thought that might stir your fire and cause you to become irritated, upset, angry, violent, stressed, worried, afraid or depressed, immediately replace it with a thought that promotes your peace, like, “I really like hot dogs.”
THOUGHTS WORTH THINKING
152. THE MIRACLE CURE: Are you an anguished and troubled soul with worry, fear, and dread? And though among the living you breathe do you walk as if you were dead? Do your shoulders droop and hands hang down? Is mournful your very best smile? And though your health is ever as good, is your heart overflowing with bile? Are you inclined to pity yourself? Is your pillow soaked in tears? Would you even have a life without your misery and fears? The MIRACLE CURE is what you need; with it, you’ll no longer whine. It will cure your woe am I looks caused by your woe am I mind. If perchance in your pain you should ask, “This cure sounds really great; what must I do to profit from it before it is too late?” My answer true, if you please is this (though you may not feel to do) smile and say a kind word to someone who’s mournful as you. Give of yourself and do a kind deed (a secret gift will do) and give among the needy poor to they who are blessed less than you. And then like sunshine warms a cold day, you will feel in your heart and soul, a glowing light that makes the dark bright and takes away your woes.
153. When it’s a done deal when it’s a fact and I can’t undo it because that’s that, I have two choices: I can resist that which I can’t change, get upset and angry, condemn and cast blame, or, I can surrender in that moment in time and cope with it clearly with presence of mind.
154. Each human life has twists and turns, potholes and bogs. Should our paths cross I will be gentle, kind and loving so that I will not be a pothole in your life.
155. I live life on the edge of wonderment, not in the depths of despair. I live life enthusiastically. I live on the bright side of life. I refuse to be care-filled, pessimistic, gloomy, despondent or depressed. Stuff happens. People do things. That’s life. I can’t control everything, but I can control my thoughts. I can choose my attitude, and I choose to be optimistic about life.
156. There are no mistakes in life, and if you think there are, that’s no mistake. Judging life is like a blind man taking pride in what he doesn’t see.
157. You can’t know up if you haven’t been down, and you don’t know square if there’s no round, surely you know this is true. You know pleasure because you know pain, and you know loss because you know gain, which makes you nobody’s fool.
158. If it takes a world of peace for you to be at peace you are not ready to live in a world of peace. Anyone who desires peace can be at peace when peace is all there is. When you can walk a war world in peace you can be at peace in any world. If you are waiting for a world at peace before you will be at peace, you wait in vain. Every person is his own world. There can be peace in yours.
159. There is a joy so profound, a peace so serene and a happiness so bright that he who possesses it lives in a different world. If you do not now live in that world, you can enter it by changing the thoughts that created the world you live in today.
160. Every day is a good day to die. If you are afraid to die, you are afraid to live. Whatever you fear, that is your prison. Today is a good day to die and a good day to live without the fear of dying. Refuse to be afraid. Refuse to live life in a prison of fear. You are free to embrace life fully, to challenge life and yourself, to walk into the dark of the unknown and bask in the light of adventure. No one lives forever and no one knows the day of his dying. If you fear your dying day (knowing not its schedule) you will fear every day. Life is for living, not dying. Let the day of your dying wait its turn, and when it comes, embrace it like an old friend returning to greet you for your next adventure.
161. I appreciate what I have and don’t complain about what I don’t have. I appreciate what I can do and don’t complain about what I can’t do. Whatever I focus my attention on increases. Whatever thoughts I entertain attracts more of the same. What I complain about increases. What I am thankful for increases. I decide what to think and talk about, and forthwith, affect those things. I have the benefits that come with receiving all things with thankfulness and not the detriments that come from complaining about everything.
162. You are flexible when dealing with life so that you will not get bent out of shape when people and earth do what they do without your permission...again. Being flexible makes life easier for people who have to put up with you and it makes your life less twisted.
163. I used to let my mind run wild, untamed, unruly like a child. I didn’t know my mind’s a tool that makes me wise or a fool. I started watching every thought, banished the foolish ones I caught. Base thoughts that will not leave my mind I replace with other kinds. Two thoughts at once no one can play no matter what my wife may say.
164. The most valuable work you will ever do is in your mind. Many of the things that show up as your life began in your head. Everything that you think is important and everything that you value and everything that you appreciate is the direct result of the work you have done in your mind. All your likes and dislikes, all your needs, wants and desires, and all your goals and ambitions are the result of what you think, how you think about yourself, people, places and things. Every aspect of your life is subject to your thoughts. Nothing passes through your mind that you don’t eventually become aware of. Why? Because what you think shows up as your life.
165. If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and what you behold is ugly maybe your beholder is broken. It is what it is, deal with it. It was what it was, let go of it. It will be what it will be, don’t worry about it. If what you do is not motivated by love, your motivator needs fixin’. If your smiler is broken you have an internal, not external, problem. If you want to be miserable adopt someone else’s idea of perfection. If you rage against things unchangeable, unalterable and inevitable or something that has already happened you are experiencing true insanity. All truth is subjective. If you don’t believe it, try explaining something without subjecting it to your way of looking at it.
166. If you are ill, sick, diseased, disabled or dead; if you are in danger; if your spouse leaves you or cheats on you; if you lose your job, career or business; if you came in last in the spitting contest; if you are homeless, hungry, destitute, enslaved or without cell service; if you are unappreciated, unloved, have no one to love, are alone and lonely, get no respect, are hated; if your life is empty of challenging and stimulating experiences; if you have not accomplished anything; if you are robbed, burglarized, in an accident or your toilet backs up and soaks your butt or you’ve been attacked and are bleeding to death and don’t know where your pet monkey is, for sanity sake, can’t you at least enjoy it?
167. Your mind has a mind of its own. Sometimes it thinks thoughts without your permission–thoughts you don’t like. When you realize you are thinking thoughts that don’t serve your joy, peace, and happiness (or anyone’s) replace them with thoughts that do. Entertain only kind thoughts that serve you and others. Always know what you are thinking. Be the GUARDIAN at the gate of your mind.
168. I plan my day and work my plan, but some days, the day has its own plans, and those days were some of my best days. Sometimes surrendering to the day is the best way.
169. What you FEEL when not thinking, when not interpreting or fighting life is PEACE.
170. Are your views not different today than yesterday? Perhaps they will be different tomorrow as well. Has there not been a time when you thought you were right and later found out you were wrong and laughed at your perception? Will there never again come a time when you will laugh at yourself? Yes, you will laugh, for your knowledge and understanding increases each day and your views will change in days to come. You are on an amazing journey of self-discovery, so you will not hold fast to today’s thoughts about things, for tomorrow you may be laughing at yourself, and truly, you will enjoy the laugh. As to others, are they not also on a journey of discovery? Yes, so you will laugh with them, but never at them. You will always be their joy and never their sorrow. Wisdom says, only laugh at yourself (this book doesn’t count).
171. Humans tend to have a herd mentality. They have herd values, herd cultures, and herd norms. Because of that, it is an udderly undocile and dangerous undertaking to buck the herd. If you turn on the herd and feed them new ideas they may turn on you and stampede and trample you, or they may take away your grazing-rights. Herds are not bully about ideas that discombobulate their vested interests. Hobnobbing herds with strong political, ethnic, cultural and religious beliefs must be approached with extreme caution. It is often best to leave them alone to continue feeding on their accepted common fodder.
172. If the universe doesn’t love you, why are there peaches?
173. If you believe in an after-life this is for you: I passed beyond the world today, crossed to the other side, and walked among the living there who recently had died. There are no frowns, no furrowed brows, no worries and no fears. There are no lonely hearts yearning to return to here. They’re happy there, their joy is full, with family and with friends, and meadows green and clear blue skies and peace that never ends. In loving memory they recall, with fondness they embrace, their journey in a troubled world among the human race. Those days are done, no trials now, no more hearts of stone, for all is love and love is all in that eternal home.
174. You are special and exceptional. In all the universe there is just one you. Yes, you are a sole-original-non-duplicated-solitary-one-of-a-kind-singularly-exclusive unique being. Obviously, you are in a category of your own all by yourself, and if that is not exceptionally special, what is? The universe went to a lot of effort forming billions of exceptional and special people just like you, but of course, no one is exactly like you but you, which makes you an exceptional and special you.
175. You are what you think, which is why there’s only one of you. You are what you think, which is why you feel like you do. You are what you think, which is why you believe that way. You are what you think, which is why you say what you say. You are what you think, which is why you like or dislike that. You are what you think, which is why you act the way you act. You are what you think, which is why you smile or why you frown. You are what you think, which is why you are up and sometimes down. You can choose what you think but you can’t choose the consequence which makes what you think the most important thing in the world because what you think makes your world.
176. Where does your mind spend its time? Two men on a beach watch the sunrise. One says, “See how the sun glows and shimmers. It’s like a Christmas ornament. I can’t tell if the ocean is sinking or the sun is rising. What a marvelous nature show.” He then turns to his friend and asks, “What do you think?” The friend keeps looking at the sun and says, “I’m not thinking about the sun rising. I’m experiencing the sun rising.” Sensing the moment is different than thinking the moment. When you are thinking you hardly notice the day. It vanishes, almost as if it had never been, and unnoticed and gone are many years as if in an instant, and hardly are you able to recall them. Too much thinking and not enough sensing makes invisible the simple joys of life. Think less, experience more.
177. You are healthy and getting younger every day. You are in excellent health. When you look in the mirror you look awesome; you are invincible; you are brilliant; you are inspired; nothing can stop you. You are on top of the world, first-class, par-none, a home-run, grand-slam and touch-down rolled into a package called you. You are the inspiration you need. You are your biggest fan. You are your own cheering section. You are the parade.
178. I am who I think I am which makes me who I am. Life is what I think it is which makes my life what it is. The thoughts I think about myself and life create my personal reality. If I think I am awesome, I am. Whatever I think is true is my truth no matter what others think the truth is.
179. Today is the best day of your life. No matter what happens to you today or what you do today, today is going to be the best day of your life. How do you know that? Because you do not compare yesterday to today. Today stands alone. The past is the past and the future is not here, but today is your day. It is here, it is now; it is all there is. And even if today is your last day, it will be your best day. Yes, today is perfectly your most excellent day. It is a wonderfully awesome and delightful day, and, it is the only day you have for sure, for no one can claim tomorrow until it is today. Today, right now, is the best day of your life.
180. Expect the best be at peace with the rest. What sense would it make to expect less than the best? It would be nonsense since the best can only happen if you expect the best to happen. If you decide to climb a mountain but don’t expect to make it, why go to the trouble? You expect to finish what you start and you expect the best at the finish, and you are not going to let contrary thoughts undermine and sabotage your plans and kill your desires. And you don’t hang around people who stomp on your expectations. Expect the best and be at peace with the rest.
181. There are as many realities as there are people. Every person lives in his own world. At any moment, I am just one thought away from experiencing a different reality. My life will be the same tomorrow if I think the same thoughts as today. How can I be happy if my thoughts make me miserable? If I want to enjoy the day for what it is, instead of what I think it is, I stop thinking. When I unchain myself from my thoughts, there’s just me experiencing life. If you live in a mental prison, your thoughts built the bars.
182. Some days you have to jump-start yourself by jumping up and down and twirling and yelling, “I’m alive, alert, awake enthusiastic!” If you want to feel enthusiastic, act enthusiastic. It’s that simple.
183. How, but by light is dark discerned? Where is knowledge, understanding, and wisdom without opposition in all things? How many heroes without villains? How many noble and selfless without the ignoble and selfish? What can be known without opposites? Can you know hot without cold; high without low; left without right; in without out? Without opposites there would be no knowledge, no value, no appreciation, but, ignorance would abound, so without opposites, you would not know you are joyful, at peace or happy. Ignorance never was happiness. So be thankful for the dark and the light–they are teachers.
184. You are always true to yourself. You cannot but to thine own self be true. Who is this self you serve? Is it not the self that seeks joy, peace, happiness, and pleasure and to be at peace with itself? Avoid pain, seek pleasure; avoid sorrow, seek joy–to this all are true, thus all are true to themselves. You can adopt a code, convention, standard or set of values and swear it by oath, yet should you fail, you are but being true to yourself? No matter how hard you try, you cannot but to thine own self be true.
185. What if nothing is important? Thinking something is important is just that, thinking, and thinking something is important doesn’t make it important except you think so. Thinking nothing is important frees you from everything, which leaves nothing, which is important. Thinking nothing is important destroys the ego’s opinions of what is important, which is very freeing and very important to they who think that’s important. Because other people believe certain things are important, I treat them kindly, like I would a child who believes in Santa Claus and the Easter bunny.
186. No one has to be like you, think like you, believe like you, act like you, dress like you or have your values. Surely one wonderful you is enough, and for that reason, you value other people’s wonderful individuality. You would be bored to tears if the world had billions of people just as wonderful as you.
187. If it’s conditional, it ain’t love. “I love you...if you obey these conditions...” Conditional love is self-serving. It serves a person’s personal needs, wants and desires. If it’s conditional, it’s self-love, and it has no respect for another person’s individuality. Ultimately, love is respecting people’s individuality and the nature of life and the power which sustains it.
188. The only thing standing between you and happiness is you....and your programmed wackadoodle thoughts.
189. You are always in the right place at the right time and never in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are no accidents in life. Everything plays its part perfectly in the cycle of life. If you were supposed to have done it, you would have done it. If you are doing it, you are supposed to be doing it. If you are yet to do it, you will yet do it. If you were supposed to have prevented it, you would have prevented it. If you were supposed to have been there, you would have been there. The universe did not come about by chance or happenstance and neither did you or anyone else nor lives intersecting in time and space.
190. You are not a respecter of persons. You know you did not give yourself your looks, stature, health, intelligence, tenacity, willpower, determination, talents, propensities, strengths, and weaknesses, nor did you determine the advantages or disadvantages of your birth. Because you know this, you do not make fun of people. You do not belittle or demean them. And you do not hold people in high esteem regardless of their wealth, power, importance popularity or education. You treat everyone as kindly as you can, as kindly as they allow, and you do not judge them.
191. Life is just life until your thoughts make it personal. Life is just life until you believe it something different. Life is just life until you judge it otherwise. Life is just life until you dress it up in your thoughts. Life is just life unless you don’t think so and then you create expectations that drive you nuts....which is also life being life, which means we live in a perfectly nutty world.
192. If you are bored with life it is because you will not leave your comfort zone. The biggest challenge in your life is you. Playing it safe may mean you live a longer boring life.
193. Each person does right in his own eyes. You experience life through your eyes, according to your perspective even as everyone else values their own perspective. Your point of view is no more important to you than another persons is to him. You try to do right in your eyes and everyone else does right in their eyes, and being aware that your sight is less than perfect, you judge less and enjoy life more.
194. If you live your life to fulfill other people’s expectations, you are living other people’s lives, not your life. People know when you are not being genuine. Because they know it, they have power over you. They know that you will do things to be accepted.
195. Life is a conundrum. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t have it both ways. You can have your cake or eat your cake, but you can’t eat your cake and still have your cake. And if you eat your cake you need milk. But you can’t have your milk and drink it too. Conundrums are usually resolved when you take too long trying to decide what to do (someone comes along and eats your cake and drinks your milk). If you don’t decide what to do, life will decide for you.
196. Try to enjoy your age. You may never be this old again.
197. Joy, peace, happiness, and pleasure is the human quest, but only a controlled mind secures them.
198. The reason you act the way you act is because you think the way you think. If you don’t like the way you act, stop thinking the way you think. When you have thoughts that make you angry, stop thinking them and be still, or start thinking thoughts that make you happy.
199. “THANK YOU VERY MUCH” is the thought I think when something happens or when I do something that challenges my peace, serenity or bliss. Sometimes I preface my “Thank you very much,” with, “Holy Shit".
200. Knowing a thing is not the same as doing a thing. To take charge of your life you must take charge of your mind which takes practice and repetition, and, and, and if you really want to enjoy life more, you will keep practicing. You will not give up. You will keep practicing until you conquer your mind, until you are the jealous watcher and gatekeeper of your mind and its thoughts and the master of your life.
201. You know life will not cater to your every need, want and desire, nor fulfill your every wish. The question is, why get angry or depressed when you don’t get what you want? (It doesn’t do any good and doesn’t serve you). Why will you not accept reality? Why MUST life go your way for you to be happy? Logic and reason say, work to make your life the best and expect the best, but be at peace with the rest, be at peace if your expectations go South and you wanted to go North. And, put your heart into it, but don’t set your heart on it, because....if it doesn’t work out, you’ll just break your heart. Most people don’t want to get sick, but they do, and most people don’t want to die, but they do, and to kick against the pricks of reality, to kick against things that cannot be changed, is nuts. You don’t expect a monkey to be anything but a monkey, that would be insane, and you don’t expect a deer to act like a gopher, that would be crazy, yet, if you expect life to be and do anything but what it is and what it does at any given moment, that’s kinda crazy and insane and nuts too, for life will always be exactly what it is, and people will always be who they are and do what they do, and if you’re not good with that, you are nuts. Try not to live on the wackadoodle side of human thinking.
202. How many tears must you cry before you learn that happiness is internal, not external? If you want life to make you happy you will be wanting and waiting forever. Happiness is an inside job, and The Thoughts You Think will determine whether you are at peace and happy or at war and miserable, which is why happiness is an inside job.
203. You may be fooling yourself thinking that you are in control of your mind and are using it successfully to pursue happiness, but you don’t realize that when you are unhappy it is caused by the very mind that you think you control. Your unhappiness is proof that you really don’t know what’s going on inside your own head. If you are not in charge of your mind and its thoughts, who is?
204. Your thoughts help make you and reveal you. If you don’t like what you’ve made or what they reveal, change your thoughts.
Snowflake said, “All I need to be happy is to get everything I want and nothing I don’t want. I want to look perfect and be perfectly healthy. I never want to have an accident and never feel pain. I never want to be bored. I want exciting experiences. I want to be at peace. I want someone to love, and someone to love me. I want friends that are kind and supportive. I want respect and freedom and I want to do worthwhile things. I just want the perfect life, and then, and only then, will I be happy. So yes, I want to be born into a loving family, a free country, to never get sick, to have high intelligence, impeccable common sense, world-class talents, movie-star looks, bags full of money, to never be in danger and to never have to deal with mean people. All I need to be happy is to never be denied my every need, want and desire. Is that too much to ask?”
“Of course not,” I said. “Perfectly rational request from a snowflake.”
“Thank you,” said Snowflake. “Though I did do something that I shouldn’t have done.”
“But you did, and it’s in the past,” I said. “Learn from it; deal with it; get over it; move on. Forget about it.”
Snowflake said, “You know, it’s life’s fault that my life is screwed-up.”
“No, it’s not!” I said. “It’s your fault. Life is what it is, day in, day out. Stuff happens. People do things. That’s life. If you think your life is screwed-up, think again. It’s your screwed-up thinking that is screwing-up your life. Quit the blame game.
Snowflake said, “Something happened that I did not want to happen.”
“Oooh...you wanted something different,” I said. Well, guess what, it is not different. It is what it is and no one cares what you wanted or what you thought it should be. The only time life gives you what you want is when you want what life gives you.”
Snowflake whined, “Nobody likes me. Nobody helps me. I am suffering and nobody cares.”
“Stop depending on others,” I said. “Rely on yourself. If there are no solutions to the things you think are problems, stop thinking of them as problems and think of them as adventures. Accept what IS. Sometimes you actually have to eat what you cooked or what someone else cooked for you. And if you’re stuck in the kitchen, do the dishes, and while scrubbing the pots and pans try not to think ‘poor me’ thoughts. The only place they are rewarded is at the ‘Poor Me Oscars’. Try not to get nominated.”
Snowflake cried, “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m probably going to lose my job, my house, my kids and my pet kangaroo.”
I said, “Living in the future complicates the present. If those things happen you will be without your job, house, kids and pet kangaroo. Deal with it. By now you should know that the only real freedom you have in life is the ability to choose you r thoughts; choose what to think; choose how to look at life; choose your mindset; choose your point-of-view; choose your perspective; choose your attitude. You know you have that power. Try using it, ‘cause you’re driving me nuts.”
A WILD VACATION SPOT
Imagine you live on a world where there is only harmony and peace, a world without risk, disease, injury and death, a world where everyone gets along, no vanity, conceit, pride or greed and no mean people. Imagine that everything you need is provided instantly, at a thought, and as a result you get bored, and so you pop-into The Universe Travel Agency.
You read a poster: “DEATH WORLD. TO ESCAPE YOU HAVE TO DIE. THE EARTH ADVENTURE. IT’S HOSTILE AND VIOLENT. THE ULTIMATE PAIN AND PLEASURE EXPERIENCE (you need mental counseling to go).
Having read the sign, you sign-up and enter the departure room and are told, “Welcome to The Earth Adventure–the wild west of the universe. I hope you enjoy your adventure. And just because you paid to go there doesn’t mean you won’t pay dearly while there. Earth-life is tough. You shouldn’t have come if you’re a crybaby, but since you chose to do it, you might as well try to have a good attitude about it because you’re stuck here until you’re dead. And don’t forget the disclaimer you agreed to: I promise not to sue anyone when I get back.”
If you are going to trust your beliefs, if you are going to believe the religious stories you have been told about the meaning and purpose and destiny of life, consider the EARTH ADVENTURE STORY. It is not much worse than many religious-belief-fables and better than some. On the other hand, since belief is like taking a wild guess into the imagined wild blue yonder about a before, during and after-life (since NO ONE knows for sure) it doesn’t matter what you believe as long as you cover it in chocolate and put a Maraschino Cherry on Top and enjoy it.
From Instinct to Intellect to Intuition to Liberation to Infinity and Beyond
IN THE MEANTIME
stop freaking-out when life doesn’t happen your way by accepting that
life will not always happen your way.
How do you do that? By not entertaining, not pondering and not playing with thoughts that destroy your joy, peace, and happiness.
CONTROL YOUR MIND
QUIT LETTING YOUR MIND POOP ON YOUR PARADE
QUIT LETTING YOUR MIND USE YOU FOR A TOILET
QUIT LETTING YOUR MIND GET AWAY WITH ITS NONSENSE & FOOLISHNESS
STOP LOOKING AT LIFE THROUGH A CLOWN MIRROR
STOP THE CLOWN THOUGHTS.
ESCAPE THE CIRCUS TENT.
STOP BEING A CLOWN
ENJOY BEING A CLOWN.
BE A HAPPY CLOWN.
( DON’T BE A MISERABLE CLOWN )
The greatest victory you will ever have in this life is
when you liberate yourself from your mind’s nuttiness.
Thoughts create conflict and pain. Thoughts separate, contrast, categorize, and divide life–people, places, things. Thoughts destroy the oneness and unity of life. Thoughts take what is and twists it into what it isn’t. Thoughts create personal and untrue realities, and the result is self-deception and delusion. No thought. No conflict. No pain.
FOURTEEN ADDITIONAL BONUS THOUGHTS AT NO EXTRA COST
THAT YOU SHOULD RUN BY YOUR KIDS
BEFORE THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO CHASE YOU
205. If you think life sucks now, wait until you start paying rent.
206. You were born with a silver spoon. I’m pulling it out when you’re eighteen.
207. If you were any more like your mom’s in-laws, I’d send you to them.
208. I met some of my friend’s teenage kids. I really like their dog.
209. I didn’t take my parents advice. That’s why you were born.
210. Someday we may be friends, but not until I recover from your teenage years.
211. Of course, we wanted you, but things change.
212. Of course, you can move home, just let me get my stuff and get out.
213. Being a teenager is a disease. Age is the cure. It doesn’t always work.
214. If you tell me one more time that you didn’t ask to be born, I'm going to tell you the truth, "We didn't ask for you either. We asked for a nice kid." Feel better? I do.
215. Of course, we love you, why else would we put up with your shit.
216. All humans are family, so don’t be surprised if I treat you like you’re nuts too.
217. If you ever think you’re important, and life can’t do without you, you really are nuts.
218. Your life is temporary. Try not to take it too seriously. Someday you’ll be as dead as everyone else, and no one will care where you’re buried except land developers.
219. If your kids have kids, remember, family traits-skip a generation, so I’ll be back. I just thought I'd warn you so you could get out of town before that happens.
220. If you examine yourself, and life, you will discover that human-life is a short, persistent and temporary illusion, a virtual-reality game. As you dig deeper, you will be enthralled and taken away with the beauty, grandeur and awesome mystery that is life, and wonder how it came to be. And if you give it enough thought, you still won’t know, but at least you’ll understand why the wackadoodle side of human thinking is so prevalent and entertaining. And if you keep thinking about life, you'll be as nuts as I am.
X. Don’t share these thoughts with people who have OCD. They will just micro-manage their thoughts until they drop dead from over organized exhaustion.
COPYRIGHT, JANUARY 2018
ALL MINERAL, OIL, GAS AND COMMERCIAL RIGHTS RESERVED
PUBLISHED BY “I WONDER IF IT’S WISDOM?” DIGEST PUBLISHING
THOMAS TROST BRAUN SENIOR
PRINTED ON A COPY MACHINE IN UTAH
(BEHIND THE ZION CURTAIN)
IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tom is world-famously-infamous in his own mind. He has written and posted thousands of articles on philosophy, theology, political philosophy and economics and other equally mysterious topics that two people have read. In the yesteryears of his life he was editor of the LDS Institute newsletter at the University of Nevada; front page editor of, and a columnist for, the Thunder Bird Newspaper, and editor of the LDS Institute newsletter at Southern Utah State College, and voted outstanding student of the year (most likely to apostatize) at the LDS Institute; wrote a humor column for The Color Country Spectrum; was a reporter and feature writer at the Las Vegas Sun; hosted a radio show, “The Spirit of ‘76 on KSUB radio; wrote and published five different pro-Constitution newsletters, and Cedar City’s–silly–Village Voice, and wrote and delivered “The Secret Messenger” around Cedar City, and he still can’t write.
Best smelling author by no account, Tom Braun Senior (the only writer for “I Wonder if it’s Wisdom?” Digest Publishing, which he owns, which means he sits in a rented storage unit typing a lot–and is its only author if you can call him that) has malfunctioned again; he wrote and published his ninth skinny flat book, Humans Are Nuts, which, like all his flat books, few have read and many lament.
The Power In Thank You has sold 30,000 copies. Who Knew?
Thoughts Worth Thinking or Maybe Not, sold 300 copies to really strange people.
How to Lose at Poker Really Fast sold for a $5 Poker Chip. Sold 20 copies in Mesquite. Then Tom did what the book said and went broke.
Badges & Guns–Your Rights When Confronted by Police (his first book) sold 500 copies, but he quit publishing it because criminals bought it.
Martial Law the Nightmare Coming to America sold 600 books, but he quit publishing it when he learned we’ve been under martial law since the days of Lincoln.
Life Is Pain–Quit Being Such A Crybaby sold over a 1,000 and he quit publishing it when people were embarrassed to buy it, even though it said on the cover, “I’M BUYING IT FOR A FRIEND.”
Dreams for Sleepy Mormons sold over 500 and he quit publishing it when they started snoring (it was not anti-Mormon. It was pro U.S. Constitution).
How to Get Rich With Silver sold 10 copies, and he quit selling it when he went broke selling silver.
Humans Are Nuts, the book you’re holding is a final rewrite of his previous book also named, HUMANS ARE NUTS, which makes no sense just like him.
The Perfect Spectacles. Doing the final draft.
Aside from starting Braun Books bookstore (he should have read some of them) his only other claim to infamy is he arrives at family gatherings late and makes up for it by leaving early which everyone appreciates. If you want to contact him you should have your head examined by a drunk circus clown, but if you persist, call 435-238-5432 (My grandson said, “Don’t micro-manage your thinking. You’ll drive yourself nuts.” “Excellent Advice, Tony. Too late. Love you, Pops”).
FOR MY GRANDKIDS: When I was fourteen a friend and I jumped on a freight train in Las Vegas and jumped off in Milford, Utah, and ended up in the Beaver City Jail waiting for our parents to take us home. My mom asked why I did it, and I said, all writers do that. I was after adventure experiences, so here are some of the work related ones: Jobs: Paper-boy, Arctic Circle fry cook, Army-Viet Nam, Chaplain’s assistant, office clerk, propane truck driver, cab driver, IBM typewriter installer, reporter, distributor at Las Vegas Sun, radio installation manager, deputy constable, police officer in North Las Vegas and Mesquite, Nevada. Sales: Kirby Vacuum, Fuller Brush, advertising-design-sales & distribution, Western Auto, Bekins Moving & Storage, Moore Business Forms, used cars, insurance, shoes, encyclopedias, fire extinguishers, lease sales / collections. Businesses: Advertising, private investigator, bike shop, consignment store, print shop, A&W drive-in, bookstore, logger, firewood, and professional nap taker at seventy, and I’m just getting started. I wonder what's next? A humor column, syndication, humorous radio spots, a book or twoooooooo ("dream on hobo breath") or just continue to write for my enjoyment and pleasure, with no deadlines, no boss, no exceptions (except by my real boss, my lovely wife of 47 years (1970-2017 infinity and beyond) six kids and three million grandkids). I think I’ll take a nap (I shoulda been a plumber, I’d be retired by now and living in a real “gated community” that isn't a storage shed).